Playstation Plus/Xbox Live Games For Gold September Items Announced

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Sony has announced the free items for Playstation Plus subscribers for September.

All of the games drop on September 1st and here are the items you’ll receive:

  • Fallout 4 (PS4)
  • Never Ending Stream of Puppies (Your Backyard)
  • Bottomless cup of coffee (Nearest Starbucks)
  • New Season of the Simpsons Written by John Swartzwelder (Your TV)

Microsoft has also announced the free items for Xbox Live Games for Gold for August:

  • No Game (Xbox One)
  • Beijing 2008: The Official Video Game of the Olympic Games (Xbox 360)
  • Memories of the First Time You Were Rejected by a Potential Sexual Partner (Your Brain)

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Nintendo Files Patent For Console With No Purchasers

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Nintendo has filed a patent for a console that has no purchasers.

The patent shows a rough schematic of a console that, according to the patent filing’s abstract, “will not be purchased” by a videogames buying public.

The patent shows a console that no one would ever want to buy, and further cites “a little poking needle,” in the controller that pokes players if they try to play the console. The patent says it will allow retail stores “to buy the console in an attempt to sell,” but that customers will refuse due to “horrible ideas.”

The language in the patent could signify that Nintendo is bracing for a customer-less future but it doesn’t rule out the possibility of a new way to play games. While the console in the patent doesn’t include purchasers, it does mention a torture aspect not seen in games since the Virtual Boy. The patent states, “there is a possibility of consumers wanting to feel the pain of owning a new Nintendo console, provided that it has new experiences and at least one Mario and Zelda game.”

In June, Nintendo said it was intentionally keeping quiet about the new console due to concerns that competitors would keep on doing whatever they are doing anyways.

 

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Capcom Announces Delay For New Street Fighter V News Announcement

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Last week, Capcom announced that there would be a special announcement about Street Fighter V this week but according to a new announcement from Capcom that special announcement will be delayed.

Veteran producer Yoshinori Ono said on Twitter that Capcom would be making the announcement at PAX Prime this coming weekend, even though he wouldn’t be there himself.

“Unfortunately, I have to wash my hair that weekend,” Ono said. “However we really have some great excitement announcement for SFV! I have announcement excitement!”

According to a new tweet from Capcom, fans are going to have to wait for this new announcement.

“Unfortunately, we have to delay our exciting SFV announcement,” said the Capcom Twitter account. “We very much apologize for those of you who have been sitting by your Twitter feeds waiting for the news.”

“We will be making another extra special announcement shortly about when the regular special announcement will be announced,” the account added.

According to Capcom insiders, the delay was caused by a shampooing error on Ono’s part which resulted in his hair changing color and a glowing red aura surrounding his body. Neither Capcom nor Ono have confirmed this rumor but they haven’t not confirmed it either so it’s all up in the air, really.

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ESL Bans ‘Maxin’ And Relaxin” During eSports Tournaments

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ESL, the popular eSport League, has announced that is will ban its players from “maxin’ and relaxin'” during tournaments.

ESL is using a list of prohibited chillouts provided by the World Anti-Coping Agency for its new test procedures. That list includes:

-chillin’
-maxin’
-relaxin’
-coolin’
-vibin’

ESL say in its announcement that “maxin’ and relaxin’ outside (before) the event days will not be punished. Chillin’ or coolin’ during the tournament—from the start of the first day until the end of the last day of competition—is strictly prohibited. Players are also permitted to vibe after the event but, again, all chillouts must not occur during competition.”

Starting with the upcoming ESL Cologne event on August 22, ESL will be conducting randomized stress tests among all competitors throughout the tournament (previous plans for bean bag tests were determined to not be as good a fit for the event). Stress tests generally only detect very recent chilling according to some reports—so they shouldn’t register any false positives for someone who last maxed at home or at a bro’s place.

Maxin’ and relaxin’ prescriptions can still be used during ESL events, but only with a signed mixtape from a DJ or physician and it has to be listened to before the tournament starts.

Players found violating the new chillout policy can be banned from ESL events for up to two years and have their mellows harshed for at least a week.

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Some See New FIFA 17 Cover Announcement As Evidence Of ‘Slippery Slope’

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When EA Sports announced that FIFA 16 would feature a woman soccer star on the cover some commentators were worried about what that would mean for future male soccer stars and the series going forward.

“I fear that we might lose some wonderful soccer players,” said Brandon Philpot, a sports journalist for Soccerball.net. “If I didn’t think I could get on the cover of an EA game, I might not try as hard.”

Philpot was worried that if we, as a society, accepted a woman soccer player on the cover of our video games that anything would be considered fair game.

“I just think it’s a slippery slope. If we allow women, then what’s next, multiple women? Brothers and sisters? Animals?”

Well, Philpot’s biggest fears might just be warranted. According to a press release from EA Sports, the cover for the next installment in the FIFA series will have a dog on the cover.

“We are really excited to have Muttins on the cover of FIFA 17,” said Andrew Wilson, the CEO of EA. “He represents an under appreciated segment of soccer and we are happy to shine a light on this great sport.”

Philpot has been expressing his disgust with EA over Twitter and Facebook.

“I told y’all! I just can’t believe it,” said Philpot, in a recent tweet. He completed his thought on Facebook:

“I knew this was going to happen. We gotta a DOG on the cover now! It’s like the whole world just doesn’t see it. They even skipped over brothers and sisters and went straight to animals!! This is truly disgusting.”

FIFA fans have mostly applauded the decision on Twitter and even some comedians are parodying Philpot’s rants.

“A dog on the cover of a video game? What’s next two dogs? Three dogs? A third grouping of canines?” said Andy Kindler, a comedian and famous Twitter debater.

FIFA 16 is planned for a September 22, 2015 release date and will be available for PlayStation 4, PlayStation 3, Xbox One, Xbox 360, Android, iOS, Microsoft Windows and anything else EA can shove some code into.

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