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Famous Hamburger Chain Sues Sega

Sonic Drive-In, the nationwide hamburger fast food restaurant founded in 1953 and located in more than 33 states, is suing Japanese video game publisher Sega over trademark confusion regarding the character “Sonic the Hedgehog.”
“Customers looking to purchase a delicious value menu meal, one of many affordable options at Sonic, may instead accidentally spend $50 on a video game,” the Sonic Corporation released in a statement. “This is trickery and deception at its most vile.”

“No one would seek to play a Sonic video game in this day and age, and even if they did, they could tell the difference between a large order of french fries and a pixelated fictional character,” explained analyst Kim Nijiyakama of Squidge & Ord. “This is the most assinine lawsuit since the time Sega tried to sue the YTMND website.”

The Sonic franchise disagrees, and the company is seeking $3 billion dollars in damages, as well as an injunction barring Sega from ever using the name of Sonic. “Sega has been profiting on the Sonic name, and we want it to stop,” said Burt Wonters, Sonic’s Executive Vice President of Publice Affairs. “It’s like our slogan says: Sonic’s got it, other’s don’t. Sega wants to have it, but it can’t. We won’t let them.”

The Sega Corporation did not return calls, emails, faxes, telegrams and morse code messages seeking comment.

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Sony Exec Says Nintendo Died Three Years Ago

Jack Tretton, the Executive Vice President for Sony Computer Entertainment America, recently sat down with GameDaily BIZ and revealed some interesting pieces of information. For starters, Nintendo went out of business in June 2003, and everything we’ve seen since then have been phantom pains.

“The DS was just a figment of people’s imaginations,” Tretton explained. “Not only has it not sold well, it didn’t even exist.”

Tretton pointed out that the popularity of the PS2 was so massive it demolished Nintendo’s sales and morale, and the company simply folded as a result. “There is no Nintendo anymore, and there never will be a Nintendo!,” Tretton exclaimed.

The Sony VP then went on to demonstrate how his company continues to expand. “The PSP is so popular, everyone owns at least two devices and thirty games,” he expounded. “Five billion Playstation 2s have been sold this year alone.”

According to Tretton, the PS3 should prove to be so popular that it will cause cable companies to go bankrupt, “because the only reason to use a TV will be to play a PS3” he said.

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Nintendo of Mexico’s Headquarters Stalled En Route To 7-11

Nintendo of Mexico’s official headquarters, a 1976 Ford Ranger pickup truck, broke down Tuesday afternoon during business hours.

“We juss wanted sum beef burritos und slerpee,” said Juan Martinez, Vice President of Sales for Nintendo of Mexico. “But den dee enjin ovurheeded und chet.”

With headquarters closed, Martinez and Pedro Garcia, Vice President of Marketing, were forced to walk three blocks to the store. “Ees fakken hot, mang,” mused Garcia, who had to stop to rest twice before they arrived. “But we wur hungray so we wen’ to gat sum food.”

The technical difficulties did not stop Nintendo of Mexico from launching its new ad campaign, which features Martinez and Gomez yelling at children to buy Nintendo products.

“Dey don’ eefen haff to be chilrens, dey can be ole peepals also,” Garcia explained. “We juss yell at ebrywun, really.”

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Nintendo DS Stays Crunchy, Even in Milk

A recent study by the American Institute for Breakfast shows that Chex, Frosted Flakes and the Nintendo DS are the most likely to remain crunchy after submerged in milk for 20 minutes.

The Institute examined 30 different cereals as well as five consoles to determine which retained a crisp, crunchy state after sitting in milk at the breakfast table.

“Many products claim to be crunchy, but not all of them live up to the hype,” explained Dr. Karla Dawn, a food scientist. “Some turn soggy, like oatmeal or wet socks.”

Nintendo was very pleased with the results. “Nintendo has always prided itself in creating devices that are resistant to the lactations of bovine and goats,” explained Reggie Fils-Aime, president of Nintendo of America. “When it comes to cows, we kick udder ass. That’s a joke, son.”

Surprisingly, Raisin Bran Crunch, which has been running ads touting its ability to be loud and crunchy, only ranked 11th overall, behind the XBox.

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Sony Says, ‘Serect is Serious’

Sony has issued a press release confirming that its new PS3 controller will in fact have a “Serect” button as part of its interface.

“The ‘serect’ button is so top secret that all we can do is acknowledge it’s there; we can’t even discuss what it does,” explained Phil Ophet, Assistant to the Secretary of Public Relations at Sony of Canada. “Rest assured, the ‘serect’ button will wow the pubric, er, public, when they get their hands on a PS3.”

The ‘serect’ controller was unveiled earlier in the week, but what was perceived to be a simple grammatical error on the part of the yellow-skinned foreign menace has turned out to be a legitimate new feature, replacing the old ‘select’ button that was on the PS3 prototype controller as late as this year’s E3. No one is sure what it does, and no one seems to be talking.

“Uh, I think we’re only developing games for the XBox 360” said Donald MacClung, a programmer for the British development house Rare, when asked about the new feature. Various other developers are claiming to lack any knowledge on what the button might do or even that it exists, perhaps due to a non-disclosure agreement with Sony.

Sony’s competition is up in arms, however. Nintendo UK’s David Yarnton told a reporter for the Northamptonshire Evening Telegraph that “it’s very possible Nintendo developed a ‘serect’ feature and Sony stole the idea. We have a long tradition of developing features that Sony subsequently copies. This ‘serect’ could be one such feature.”

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