NEWS

Porcupine Pie Revealed As Last Kmart Rock Band 4 Pre-Order DLC Exclusive

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Rock Band 4’s tracklist just got one song longer with Kmart announcing today an exclusive DLC download of the Neil Diamond song Porcupine Pie when you pre-order from their online store.

This announcement comes as a surprise because Kmart recently got out of the video game business ending with a big sale of all its remaining video game merchandise last year. According to Eddie Lampert, the CEO of Kmart, this is one last video game hurrah for the struggling chain.

“We wanted to go out with a bang and when our sale last year didn’t even put a tiny dent in our video game stock we decided to try one more time but on a grander scale.”

According to Lampert, they had to pay Neil Diamond a hefty sum to convince him to license Porcupine Pie to Harmonix. In addition, they had to also pay Harmonix to agree to the licensing.

“They weren’t completely sold on the idea, “said Lampert. “So, we had to sweeten the deal.”

Today’s announcement triples the number of songs planned for Rock Band 4 from one to three. Here’s a full list of songs released by Harmonix:

  • Neil Diamond – “Porcupine Pie”
  • Neil Sedaka – “Breaking Up Is Hard to Do”
  • Neil deGrasse Tyson – “I’m Funny Too, Ya Know”

Rock Band 4’s “Neil” focused songs are an effort by Harmonix to bring about a little bit of unity in the crowded and unorganized rock music simulator genre.

“With a move to only three songs, all sung by someone named Neil our fans will no longer have to spend most of their Rock Band parties scrolling through endless lists of alphabetically ordered tracks,” said Alex Rigopulos, CEO of Harmonix.

Rock Band 4 launches Oct. 6 on PlayStation 4 and Xbox One. For more information, read the above article again.

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Report: Wife Hopes That Long Shopping Trip Is Enough Time To Get Video Games Out Of Husband’s System

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Local wife, Sharon Pilsner, announced Sunday that she hopes that by going on a long shopping trip that her husband will have had enough video game playing time for the rest of the week.

“I know you don’t get to play video games much because of the kids and work,” said Pilsner, packing her two children into the car and kissing her husband goodbye. “I’m going to let you get a couple of hours of play time in so you won’t be so antsy during the week.”

At press time, Mark, Pilsner’s husband, was just getting settled into a long day of Final Fantasy XIV when Sharon reappeared in the door saying there was too much to do around the house and that Mark would have to wait until next weekend to play.

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The Game Rag Returns With Great Fanfare; Promises Sporadic Updates

Fans rejoiced this week when The Game Rag announced its return to the Internet after a long fought battle with its parent corporation Bein’ Lazy, LLC. For years, the video game news site was being held up in litigation by its owners and it was only this month that the issues being fought over have been cleared up.

“Bein’ Lazy had no right to stop us from reporting what’s going on in the video game world,” said Nathan Smart, the owner of The Game Rag to a marginally packed bedroom. “Now that we are past this, we can finally get back to work.”

The representatives from Bein’ Lazy have declined interview requests, saying, “We’ll do them later, just let us get past this level.”

Smart has assured his fans that The Game Rag is here to stay but is cautioning that this fight is not over.

“Bein Lazy is still in charge and we can’t change that. They are allowing us to come back but they have not made any guarantees that we will be allowed to continue forever. In fact, they’ve pretty much promised us that we will have to go away from time to time; possibly on a monthly basis.”

About The Game Rag

The Game Rag is the Internet’s number one news source for news sourced from other news sources. From its humble beginnings as a column in a street newspaper to its meteoric rise and fall following the video game news crash of 2007 (wherein a group of former IGN forum users murdered 45% of the leading games journalists), The Game Rag has always made its mission to bring the most accurate and racially sensitive information available to an ever expanding populace of Internet weirdos.

The Game Rag prides itself on the amount of information packed into each hastily written article. While most websites are content to give you high word counts with little to no substance, The Game Rag has been able to get its point across in mere sentences. For instance.

In addition to its main office in Christmas, Florida, The Game Rag has locations in Europe, South America, some parts of Africa, one part of Australia and in East Asia (whereabouts currently unknown).

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Bionic Commando ‘Claws’ Its Way Back To Your Consoles

Capcom is “climbing” its way onto your next-gen consoles with the release of a new version of the popular franchise Bionic Commando.

“We’ve been ‘sinking our claws’ into a new version for the last year now,” said Mark “The Claw” Manders, representative for Capcom. “It’s time for this gen’s video game consoles to get ‘bionically commandeered.'”

The original Bionic Commando ‘conquered’ the Nintendo Entertainment System back in the 80s. Fans of the series have been ‘grappling’ with Capcom trying to get them to release a sequel.

“It’s about ‘clawing’ time,” said Travis Fritt, a Bionic Commando who started an online petition to get Capcom to make a sequel. “I’ve been ‘swingin” around the net, trying to get people to sign this petition so Capcom can see how many people are interested.”

Bionic Commando will be ‘catapulted’ onto the Xbox 360, PS3 and PCs. No release date has been ‘given’ to the press.

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Phantom Entertainment Admits To Accidentally Releasing Joke Press Release

Phantom Entertainment has admitted that the entire Phantom video game console was just a joke accidentally released by their PR team.

“It’s been so long since there’s been any talk of the Phantom but I think it’s time we came clean,” said Greg Koler, CEO of Phantom Entertainment. “We tried to play it off like it was something real to save face but enough with the charades.”

According to Koler, some of the employees on the PR team were making up fake press releases to amuse themselves. The Phantom video game console release was accidentally sent out when one of the employees left an email address from one of his IGN contacts in the To: line.

“Did you ever do that? I do that a lot sometimes,” said Tom Marpling, an employee on the PR team. “I’ve sent my mom dirty letters that were intended to go to my mistress. It’s an unavoidable fact that humans will make mistakes.”

According to Marpling, this isn’t the first or last time it’s happened.

“We’ve announced so many projects due to mistakes with our PR team. They’re clumsy.”

One mistake actually resulted in a product getting made.

“The lapboard thing we joked about ended getting made because we had so much press on it,” said Koler. “I hated the idea but we had to do something in order to keep getting money from investors. We decided to just put the dumb thing out.”

The situation is apparently under control but the company has just announced plans to release a hot dog warmer. Time will tell if this was just another mistake on behalf of the PR team.

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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH FATAL1TY!!

And now, as we promised, we bring to you our EXCLUSIVE interview with Fatal1ty!

The Game Rag: Tell us how you got started.

Fatal1ty: Well, when I was a kid I was always playing video games and I was the best in the neighborhood. We would play Nintendo, Genesis, Super Nintendo, Atari – you name it, we played it. It didn’t matter which system we played on, or what game we played, I was always the champion. I was the best at Tecmo Bowl, Madden, Combat, Mario Kart – you name it, I was the best at it. Eventually, I graduated high school and I was just starting in college. In my dorm we were always playing video games and I was the best on campus. We would play Nintendo 64, Dreamcast, Playstation 2, Xbox – you name it, we played it. It didn’t matter which system we played on, or what game we played, I was always the champion. I was the best at GoldenEye, Power Stone, Madden, Halo – you name it, I was the best at it. Eventually, I graduated from college and I just couldn’t get a job. Turns out no one cares how good you are at Halo, they more care about your grades and what you’ve majored in. I eventually just gave up on looking for a job and stuck to playing video games. I won a couple of tournaments in the area and then I decided to travel to the big video game competition in my state. After I decimated the competition, I was approached by a company who wanted to sponsor me. The rest is history.

TGR: How has fame changed you?

F: Oh, it hasn’t. I mean, sure, I like to talk smack more because I’m getting paid money to do it, but I was a dick even when I was a kid. I would still talk smack even if I didn’t make $236,456 last year playing video games.

TGR: What are your favorite games for competition?

F: CounterStrike, Unreal Tournament, Halo – basically anything with a hand holding a gun jutting out from the bottom of the screen. Oh, and also, DDR.

TGR: Where do you most like to compete? America? South Korea?

F: Darfur

TGR: Who are your influences?

F: Well, I always say that your best influence is yourself. At least, that’s true in my experience. But other than that, Shigeru Miyamoto is a big hero of mine. I remember when I used to play all of those games like Zelda, Mario and Metroid. I was awesome at those games. I would beat them so quick – and don’t me started on my high score for Donkey Kong. King of Kong watch out! I am really good at the games Miyamoto-san made, and still makes, and I thank him for making games I can play well.

TGR: What’s your favorite website to get game news from?

F: Oh, The Game Rag, of course.

TGR: Any words of advice for future pro-gamers?

F: Yeah, don’t play me. I’ve served so many up-and-coming gamers it’s ridiculous. That’s my advice. Don’t play me or you’ll get served, ridiculous-style. Fatal1ty-style!

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