[OPINION] I Am Gonna Rock Your Living Room

I can’t wait for October. Guitar Hero Live comes out then and I’m one of the stars of the game. I had so much fun recording the videos for each song I’m in and I know you’ll have just as much fun playing ’em. I am gonna rock your living room!

guitar_hero_dudeMe mates at work all tease me about this because they know how quiet I am around the office. They all look at me and say things like, “Oy, wut uh you, some sor’ a rock star?” or, “Oy, everybody look! O’Johnson thinks he’s some sor’ a rock star!” and even, “Ginger freak-boy wants to be famous, does he? I’ll make you famous – drop ya trousers!” You know, the normal stuff your mates around the office say when you’re quietly trying to work on your spreadsheets. I can’t wait ’til they see the game – they’re gonna love it!

I know you will too. You’ll be getting up out of your seat dancing around with your guitar whilst I rock you silly! You better watch out though – you don’t want to fail! Keep your eyes on the notes and not on this rocker!

Some of me family have asked me, “Why have you gotten those horrible tattoos?” and, “Why would you stretch out a perfectly good shirt?” and even, “Why are you all of the sudden talking in a horrible English accent?” You know, the normal stuff your family says to you around Christmas time whilst you’re washing up after everyone. Won’t they be so excited to see me in this game?!

I called bagsies on all the best tracks and since me audition was so fantastic they gave me whatever I wanted. You’ll get to see me rockin’ out to such tunes as:

  • “Holding Back the Years” by Simply Red
  • “You Enjoy Myself” by Phish
  • “Chains of Love” by Erasure
  • “Sonic Reducer” by The Dead Boys
  • “Weird Science” by Oingo Boingo

I chose all those songs because each of those bands featured a ginger-haired band member and so of course I relate! I mean, if I’m being honest, those weren’t my first picks entirely, but they were definitely on the list. The Simply Red song was definitely on my third or fourth choice list. The rest I kind of got thrust into doing because they said I was soooo good that they wanted me in those videos so I didn’t mind doing something I didn’t really care about doing. I mean, if it’s for the good of the project I’ll do whatever it takes – even if it means not getting to do any of the songs I wanted to do.

Anyways… let’s get back to the main idea of this whole piece: your living room! I am gonna rock it so hard! I hope you don’t like clean furniture. When I get done with your living room you’re gonna have to get all new upholstery. I’m gonna rock so hard all over your stuff you won’t even want to play the game anymore. Yeah! You’ll probably want to go to another room to play Rock Band 4 because your furniture is gonna be so disgusting when I get through with it…

Before I go, I think I want to back up just a little bit and say that I’m sorry about what I am going to do to your couch. I’m kind of new to this whole thing and I don’t want you thinking I’m some sicko that just comes to people’s houses and ruins their furniture. I’m not that kind of rocker. I just got really excited about the metaphor I was using to describe all the rockin’ I’m gonna do in your living room and it kind of got a way from me. I just want to apologize right now and I’ll help you clean up to if anything happens. Like I said earlier, I always clean up after Christmas so I’m pretty good at it. In fact, those are the two things I’m best at – cleaning up after a mess and rockin’ living rooms. So, anyways, I hope we’re cool. I’ll see you in October.

Or as I like to call it “Rock Music-tober!”

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[OPINION] I Will Kill Every Single Girl In BioShock

m_ba9b2e38d325f5ec62019537d3f8cee9I don’t know why dudes even care about some dumb video game girl.
The way people are talking on the net about not killing this dumb little chick in the game BioShock for Xbox 360 you’d think she was a real person. She’s not. She’s just some little bitch made out of video game code. It doesn’t matter if you kill her.

I haven’t played the game yet, but if I get a chance to I will kill every single girl in BioShock – not even because you get extra powers if you do. I’ll do it just so people will feel bad about it. If they are so wrapped up in their emotions while playing a first person shooter then they need to stop playing video games altogether. We don’t need anymore pussies on Xbox Live.

When I play Madden I don’t hold back on the players and not tackle them just because they might get injured and have to sit out for the rest of the season. Nah, dude – I want that damn ball and if you have it, you’re going down. By the way, if you look at my picture, you’ll see that I’ll do it in real life as well. Don’t nobody touch my football.

Like I said before, we don’t need anymore pussies on Xbox Live so if you’re going to be a little bitch and not kill that girl then put them sticks down and go read a book.

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[OPINION] I Used To Be Somebody!

nes_uforce_stickI used to be a contender!

There was a time in my life where you wouldn’t play a boxing game for the NES without using me as your controller. That 1 week period was the best week of my life. I was on top of the world!

Now, I’m nothing. I’m a blip on the radar, a grain of salt in the sea, a product description page on a Nintendo fansite.

The last time I was used for a game was at a classic games convention. The guy that used me gave up after 10 minutes of trying to play Top Gun. He couldn’t handle the complexities of my design. Some say that’s a design flaw – I say it’s a delicious flaw!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m not worth much. I’ve got nothing you need. You aren’t a collector and you like to play Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! with the NES advantage.

Well, let me tell you something. Just because I’m in some Rubbermaid tub just waiting for some kid to fall in and break me doesn’t me that I don’t have any worth. I’m an important part of Nintendo history.

Just please, don’t forget me. I haven’t been used much but that doesn’t mean I’m not loyal. I don’t hold grudges (not that I’d even have a grudge to hold – you tried your best).

Just remember, I used to be somebody!

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[OPINION] As Soon As I Finish This Video Game, You’re Dead

mark_hacking0802I said I would take out the trash after I finish my game.

I don’t know why you won’t just let me do that. Why does the trash need to go out right at this immediate time? It’s not like the dumpster isn’t going to be there after I beat this level of Halo 2 on Legendary.

You are making me so angry because you keep going on and on. Honestly, I can’t even take it anymore. You’re really put me on edge. As soon as I finish this video game, you’re dead.

But, first, I need to get past this batch of aliens. I’ve been trying to beat it for a week now. Don’t you know how hard the Legendary diffuculty level is? I’ve never gotten this far before. You’d think that my own wife would know how hard I’ve worked to achieve this. That’s why you need to die – you don’t appreciate my work ethic.

I’m not sure how I’m going to do it but it’ll probably be with my hunting rifle. Actually, if only I had one of these alien weapons – I’d probably use that. That would be really cool. You’re lucky this game isn’t real.

I take that back though, you’re not lucky. You are going to die after all. I guess this will teach you not to make your husband re-order his priorities. Halo 2 first, then trash – and then, of course, some of the sweet love-making.

That’s one thing you’ve always been good at – knowing that video games come before sex. You’ve never hassled me on that. Kudos to you on that.

But, you’re still going to die.

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[OPINION] I Don’t Care Who You Are, That’s My Seat

oie_self_portrait_illustratorI was playing that game of CounterStrike way before you even got here.

I just went up to get a frozen mocha while my friends finished out the match. You can’t sit here. What’s that? You and all your Romanian friends are playing? I don’t care. I was here first.

Huh? You come here every night? So do I. This is the seat you normally sit in? Me too. How come I’ve never seen you at CafeStrike before? You’ve never seen me here? Are you kidding? I’m here Monday through Thursday. Oh, you come on Fridays. Sure. Well, then why are you here on a Wednesday?

What? You’re the son of a poor immigrant who never even dreamed his son would get to use a computer? I don’t care who you are, that’s my seat and you’re not sitting in it.

I’ll thank you very much not sit here again.

Wait! Don’t leave. I’m sorry. Next time you’re playing CounterStrike come on by and I’ll let you sit next to me just so I can pwn your ass.

Now seriously leave. I’ve got some fraggin’ to do.


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[OPINION] Are We Still Going On About E3 2006?

Yes. Yes we are.

We are still going on about it. It was the first, and last, time that The Game Rag will ever be there. It was an exciting time and we deserve to be going on about it.

I met a lot of fun people there, namely blog writers. How many blog writers have you met? Here’s another question: How many E3s have you been to?

I’m guessing the answer to those questions is none (except for maybe the blog writers one) and so you should shut up about me going on about E3. If you’ve never been to one then you wouldn’t know what it’s like and if you had been to one then you would probably go on about it to.

Now, I know that some of you are probably saying to yourselves: “I’ve never once mentioned Nathan going on about E3. I don’t care if he does as long as it’s funny.” Some of you are probably even saying: “Nathan hasn’t even been going about E3. Why is he bringing this up?” At least one of you is saying: “He didn’t go on about E3 while he was there. Why would I care if he did it now?”

Well, go on saying those things. It’s Thanksgiving, I have writer’s block and I’m eating Jiffy Pop just like the Pilgrims.

I can do what I want.

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