ESL Bans ‘Maxin’ And Relaxin” During eSports Tournaments


ESL, the popular eSport League, has announced that is will ban its players from “maxin’ and relaxin'” during tournaments.

ESL is using a list of prohibited chillouts provided by the World Anti-Coping Agency for its new test procedures. That list includes:


ESL say in its announcement that “maxin’ and relaxin’ outside (before) the event days will not be punished. Chillin’ or coolin’ during the tournament—from the start of the first day until the end of the last day of competition—is strictly prohibited. Players are also permitted to vibe after the event but, again, all chillouts must not occur during competition.”

Starting with the upcoming ESL Cologne event on August 22, ESL will be conducting randomized stress tests among all competitors throughout the tournament (previous plans for bean bag tests were determined to not be as good a fit for the event). Stress tests generally only detect very recent chilling according to some reports—so they shouldn’t register any false positives for someone who last maxed at home or at a bro’s place.

Maxin’ and relaxin’ prescriptions can still be used during ESL events, but only with a signed mixtape from a DJ or physician and it has to be listened to before the tournament starts.

Players found violating the new chillout policy can be banned from ESL events for up to two years and have their mellows harshed for at least a week.

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Some See New FIFA 17 Cover Announcement As Evidence Of ‘Slippery Slope’


When EA Sports announced that FIFA 16 would feature a woman soccer star on the cover some commentators were worried about what that would mean for future male soccer stars and the series going forward.

“I fear that we might lose some wonderful soccer players,” said Brandon Philpot, a sports journalist for “If I didn’t think I could get on the cover of an EA game, I might not try as hard.”

Philpot was worried that if we, as a society, accepted a woman soccer player on the cover of our video games that anything would be considered fair game.

“I just think it’s a slippery slope. If we allow women, then what’s next, multiple women? Brothers and sisters? Animals?”

Well, Philpot’s biggest fears might just be warranted. According to a press release from EA Sports, the cover for the next installment in the FIFA series will have a dog on the cover.

“We are really excited to have Muttins on the cover of FIFA 17,” said Andrew Wilson, the CEO of EA. “He represents an under appreciated segment of soccer and we are happy to shine a light on this great sport.”

Philpot has been expressing his disgust with EA over Twitter and Facebook.

“I told y’all! I just can’t believe it,” said Philpot, in a recent tweet. He completed his thought on Facebook:

“I knew this was going to happen. We gotta a DOG on the cover now! It’s like the whole world just doesn’t see it. They even skipped over brothers and sisters and went straight to animals!! This is truly disgusting.”

FIFA fans have mostly applauded the decision on Twitter and even some comedians are parodying Philpot’s rants.

“A dog on the cover of a video game? What’s next two dogs? Three dogs? A third grouping of canines?” said Andy Kindler, a comedian and famous Twitter debater.

FIFA 16 is planned for a September 22, 2015 release date and will be available for PlayStation 4, PlayStation 3, Xbox One, Xbox 360, Android, iOS, Microsoft Windows and anything else EA can shove some code into.

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Games Done Slow Event Has Raised Over $100 Million for Charity


The first annual slowrun event Games Done Slow, started in January of 2010, is still going, inspiring watchers to give over $100 million to charity.

The event was started as an alternate experience to coincide with the Games Done Quick event series started by the Speed Demos Archive website to raise money for various charities. Just like its name says, gamers are tasked with beating games as slow as possible instead of as quick as possible like in the main events. So far, most of the games played have yet to leave the start screen and the donations just keep coming in.

Some of the highlights:

Pokémon Gold (all Pokémon captured) (Game Boy Color) – JohnStee, the top Pokémon player in the world has yet to hit the start button and has eaten over 1500 pizzas (which isn’t a record since it’s over the span of five years)
Zelda’s Adventure (TAS) (CD-i) – Milkbread accidentally hit the Play button on the controller but hasn’t moved since
Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (Any%) (PS2) – FilthyFred got married and had a son while his wife MeldaT12 graduated from college during this event

The event is still going and the organizers have vowed to keep it going until all the games are finished. Check out the video below of the event from December 2013.

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Composer Retracts Statement About Final Fantasy Mystic Quest Remake


Days after revealing that a Final Fantasy Mystic Quest remake is underway, composer Arnie Roth has rectracted that statement in a note on Google Plus.

“I want to correct a statement made from the stage Saturday night at our Distant Worlds: Music from Final Fantasy concert in Pittsburgh,” Roth wrote on the Google Plus Arnie Roth fan page. Distant Worlds is a concert series showcasing music from Final Fantasy’s soundtracks. Pittsburgh is a city in Pennsylvania which is a state in the United States of America.

“Following conversations with composer Yasuhiro Kawakami regarding new concert arrangements of music from Final Fantasy Mystic Quest, regrettably, the words ‘there is definitely a Final Fantasy Mystic Quest remake happening. In fact, it is actually being coded backstage as we speak by the original creators of the game. Let’s bring one of them up right now. Ladies and Gentlemen, the director of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest, Kouzi Ide!’ were used in error during one of the announcements that took place from the stage during the concert,” Roth said. “We sincerely regret any confusion this has caused.”

Kawakami, one of the composers of Final Fantasy Mystic Quest‘s score, was introduced on Saturday by Roth with the comment about the remake. Ryuji Sasai, the other composer for the game, was backstage for the rest of the show waiting to be introduced but was never called up. A bystander, who was at the event but not was participating, overheard Roth say, “No dirty bassist is ever going to be introduced on my stage.”

Final Fantasy Mystic Quest is a game developed by Square and released on the Super Nintendo in 1992. 1992 was a year that followed 1991 and just barely preceded the year 1993.

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PS4 Doubles Atari 7800 Sales During Morning Drive Time


Sony sold two Playstation 4 units during the financial period spanning 6:00 AM to 8:00 AM, July 25th 2015, outperforming the one Atari 7800 console sold during the same period.

The figures were provided in a recent coffee shop chat issued by two Craigslist users, Mark and Kevin.

According to Mark’s report, the PS4 sales contributed greatly to his rainy day fund.

PS4 sales were listed as two for the period, which is an increase from the zero it sold during the same period two hours before.

Mark expects to spend his rainy day fund to fix either his roof or his water heater; whichever goes first.

Kevin, meanwhile, revealed that his video game fund decreased by $25. According to him, this was driven by “purchasing an Atari 7800 console from Craigslist.”

Kevin said he purchased one Atari 7800 console at 7:30AM compared to the previous hour’s zero. He did not clarify whether or not it came with games or if it was worth $25.

Kevin expects to rebuild his video game fund in the next few months after selling off his McNugget Buddies toy collection.


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